Staring at the Sun
by Blau
Summary: Oneshot. Kazuma reflects on all that’s happened to him, and asks himself what is he fighting for. slight KazuRyou


Title: Staring at the Sun

Author: Blau Rhapsody

Rating: G

Summary: One-shot. Kazuma reflects on all that's happened to him, and asks himself what is he fighting for. Blink-and-you'll-miss-it KazuRyou.

Disclaimer: I do not own S-CRY-Ed. It belongs to, but not limited to, Geneon, Tokyopop, Yosuke Kuroda and **Yasunari Toda. The song Staring at the Sun does not belong to me - it belongs to its respective owners. I am not making a profit from writing this; it is merely for entertainment purposes only. **

Dedication: My buddies: Kirby, Tomato, Chip and everyone else on Hogwarts: Dawning of a New Age.

Key: _Italics _**indicate thoughts. _Bold italics_ indicate the song. **

Notes: This takes place during episode eight, which was aired July 16th. PLEASE keep in mind that Mr. Script-Writer (I'm no good at spelling Japanese names, and since S-CRY-Ed is such a small fandom…) was messing with Kazuma's mind, and he was seriously considering joining HOLY.

Additional Notes: I feel as though Staring at the Sun could very well be Kazuma's theme song. The song may or may not fit with the story, but I'm using it anyways. So please realize that I am aware that it may not fit in with the story, and do not be flaming me because of it.

I was dreaming…

And in that dream, I felt so alone and weak. I felt as though no one was trying to prevent them from coming into our home. I felt as though I was the only one trying to do something to stop them, even though I knew it wasn't true. Kimishima and all the others were trying too, but I felt as though I was the only one actually doing something…

And I wondered, why? I kept questioning myself. Why bother? What am I fighting for? The land? The people? The society in which everything, even a conversation, could lead to a fight? Wouldn't everyone be better off in the city, where everything was peaceful, and you didn't have to wonder every night, will I be alive in the morning? What did I have to gain from it?

****

Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway  
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way  
Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing  
It brings me down, but I won't let them

It had been a good day, as far as Kazuma could tell. The sun had been shining, and yet there had been a nice breeze, so it wasn't very hot. Mimori had been very kind and helpful, and he had found himself enjoying her company. Enjoying be able to do something fun, which he had not been able to do in such a long time.

And so Saturday night found Kazuma up, and laying in 'his' bed in the HOLY headquarters. He was on his back, his arms under his head in a make-shift pillow, his legs stretched out in front of him, the left atop the right. He was in a bluish-white cotton robe. It was fuzzy, and yet soft. The top was opened slightly, showing the smooth tan chest beneath, and the hem of the robe went down to his ankles. The sleeves were rolled back once, giving him free access to his hands without having the sleeves slip down repeatedly. The sash of the robe was tied loosely enough that it wasn't constricting, yet strong enough that the robe wouldn't fall open. That would be embarrassing.

Now, some might wonder why "The Treasoner", a man of action, would be laying in a bed, relaxing, instead of pissing off the other HOLY members - Ryohou especially, or attempting to eat all the food in HOLY. Some might think he was tired, and while that may be true, it wasn't the reason. Kazuma had been more tired than this before, in fact compared to the other times he was wide awake. Other, more stupider people, would believe he was in love with Miss Mimori. And again, this was not the case. Kazuma had no time for love, not when there was HOLY to fight. Or more importantly, Ryohou to fight.

But no one would've guessed he was thinking. Because Kazuma was a fighter, not a thinker. So what, exactly, was Kazuma thinking about? That was a good question. A question that Kazuma himself was not sure he could answer. That didn't mean he couldn't; it just wouldn't make a lot of sense.

****

If I seem bleak  
Well you'd be correct  
And if I don't speak  
It's cause I can't disconnect.  
But I won't be burned by the reflection  
Of the fire in your eyes  
As you're staring at the sun.

If he did have to share his thoughts (although you would probably have to pry it from him like one would pry the meat out of an oyster or other edible shell-related foods), he'd probably scratch the back of his neck and look up at the ceiling, before looking back down at whoever asked him, and depending on the person grinning and laughing, or frowning.

His first thoughts were _why? Why am I here, at the Holy Headquarters? Why am I fighting to protect a doomed land?_

All of which, he thought, were good and reasonable questions. Why, exactly, was he laying in a bed given to him by HOLY, in the HOLY building? Surely he didn't give up everything he had been working for, right? Although that would be so easy to do…give up on fighting to survive, give up fighting to protect broken places…Just…work for HOLY. It couldn't be that bad, could it? Sure, there would be fighting, but at least he would have a reason for it. Not because he was "defending his home and the defenceless," as Kazuma usually said, although this was a lie: He was only fighting because Kimishima was giving him the jobs. In the wastelands, you had to do a lot of odd jobs to earn some money.

Why was he fighting? Again, because he needed the money. Which brought Kazuma to think, _if it wasn't for the money, would I really fight? _To which he immediately thought, _of course I would. There's nothing else to do! And it'd go against my code if there were people getting killed for no good reason!_ But…what if he actually worked? Surely it wasn't that bad. Indeed, the times he had worked Kazuma found himself anything **but** bored. He was never idle, and there was usually something he could do.

His second thoughts were Ryohou. It wasn't that odd, because lately all he had been able to think about was the purple-haired Alter-User. But when Kazuma had appeared in the HOLY lobby, Ryohou had stood up and looked at him with wide eyes, before glaring at him through narrowed eyes, with a look Kazuma was pretty sure was reserved especially for him, and him only. And then when the Commander arrived, Ryohou had changed his attention from Kazuma to his boss, questioning Kazuma's motives right in front of Kazuma. He ignored Kazuma, and only when the Commander had said Kazuma was a part of HOLY did Ryohou change his attention back to Kazuma. But…if Ryohou had arrived at his place, Kazuma most certainly would've said something. He wouldn't have just glared. Perhaps Kazuma would've thrown in a snide remark, or maybe he just would have gone straight to the action.

****

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway  
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away  
There's more to living than only surviving  
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying.

Kazuma would like to think that Ryohou thought of him as much as he thought of Ryohou. After all, they had such…fond memories of each other, what with they're first fight, Kazuma breaking out of the HOLY headquarters (the very place he was now…only this time, it was voluntarily), they're second fight, they're third fight…There were so many fond, fond memories…

But…what if Ryohou didn't think much of Kazuma? What if he only thought of Kazuma as MP3228, as that guy who was a worthy opponent, a minor flaw in his otherwise flawless life? What if Kazuma wasn't lurking behind Ryohou's every thought, like Ryohou was lurking behind Kazuma's?

His thirds thoughts were _what? What am I fighting for? What am I trying to prove? _Wouldn't everyone be better off if they all became members of society? Kanami wouldn't have to work so hard, and Kazuma was positive she would have loved to gone to a carnival. Even Kazuma had enjoyed it, and Kazuma would never admit to himself that he enjoyed anything in the city.

What was he trying to prove? Sure, it was wrong for HOLY to be taking people from their homes without the people's consent, but if it would eventually lead to a peaceful time…wouldn't it be worth it?

__

Though you hear me  
I don't think that you relate  
My will is something  
That you can't confiscate  
So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated  
By destruction in your eyes  
As you're staring at the sun.

Days went by, and soon Kazuma found himself in the fighting ring, dressed in a red fighting gloves and a red headset, with Ryohou opposite him, dressed in the same fighting gear, only it was blue. And as they fought, Kazuma wondered why he wasn't feeling uneasy. When the fight was over, Kazuma wondered why Ryohou was acting so…un-Ryohou-ish. And it was then that he realized that he couldn't remember why he was at HOLY, couldn't remember what he had promised to Kimishima…and then he realized, he had told Kimishima he would get everyone back. And as he remembered, he felt so guilty. He had left Kanami alone, not telling her how long he would be gone…And…oh God…what if he hadn't remembered? What if he stayed in the city? What would have happened to Kanami? Would Kimishima had gone looking for him? Would Kanami be worried? So worried she would become sick?

These thoughts went through his head as fought with Ryohou at the airport, trying to get his friends out of the plane. And when he failed to get them…

He remembered. He remembered why he was fighting, he remembered what he was fighting for. He remembered what he was trying to prove. He remembered that there were people who were trying to stop HOLY, that he wasn't alone.

And as he stood, watching the plane fly off into the distance, he remembered everything.

****

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway  
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away  
There's more to living than only surviving  
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

Kazuma dreaded going back home. He wouldn't be able to look Kanami in the eye. Her hero, her brave, strong, reckless Kazu-kun, had forgotten about her…Kazuma didn't feel like a hero anymore. And Kimishima…God, he wouldn't be able to face the man. But of course Kanami would make him…and then what? Would Kimishima forgive him? Would he have a determined look on his face and declare that they were going to get everyone back at all costs? That they would beat those HOLY bastards? Or would Kimishima just look at him for a long moment, before leaving, never to be seen again? Would Kazuma hear rumours about his best friend being killed by HOLY?

Most of all, Kazuma was ashamed of himself. He had forgotten about Kanami and Kimishima, and because of it had cost the Alter-Users who were captured their freedom. What he wouldn't do to trade places with those captured…

****

Though you hear me  
I don't think that you relate  
My will is something  
That you can't confiscate  
So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated  
By destruction in your eyes  
As you're staring at the sun.

I was dreaming…

And in that dream, I felt so ashamed of myself. I felt like a failure, like I would never be able to face my loved ones again. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I felt like the only person I could help was myself, that I wasn't worthy of taking care of my loved ones.

But I felt like I was filled with renewed determination. I felt like I could beat them, I felt like I could do whatever it takes to make sure my loved ones were okay. I felt like, someday, everything would be okay. There would be no more destruction, no more pain, or loneliness, or despair. No more fight for dominance.

Just peace.

But I wondered, maybe I had been staring at the sun for too long?


End file.
